January 12, 2005 - 7:58 p.m.
love notes
Notes written in my assignment book:
Dear Jessica,
I really do not think we can see each other anymore. I am seeing someone else and she gives me what I've always wanted, LOVE!!! I am so sorry I have to tell you this. I hope that we can still be friends, oh, and remember, it's YOU not me.
Love,
Caitlin
DEAR DIARY,
I cannot believe what Caitlin did to me... SHE DUMPED ME OMGOMGOMGZIZZORS!!! What will I do with my life now? NOTHING... she was my life, and I DID give her LOVE, I swear it! Who is this new lover? And she was wrong... it was NOT ME! Who cares if I smacked her around a bit? SHE never used to...
Jess
Dearest Jessica,
I regret to inform you that our love affair CANNOT go on. It simply can't! I know you want me but we just aren't meant to be. Hal, Colin Firth and some quiet, cute sensitive guy have proposed to me and we'll be moving to an obscure place in Africa where bigomy is allowed. Now you need to come to terms with reality.
Your Bladder,
Noodles
Dear Jessica,
It has been some time since our last conversation. I wish to tell you about my new love, Chloe. She is everything I have ever wanted. She is now my bitch, just like I always wanted you to be. Maybe one day you will come to your senses.Caitlin
I will always remember the first time by the willow tree.
Dear Jessica,
I most regret to inform you of the following information: I am in love with you. I really HATE Caitlin, she was so hurt and alone when we found each other, that I loved her with pity. I can and will never see her again. I love you!! And I will shout it from the roof tops. I love you ever so much.
Forever yours,
Chloe
Dear Jessica,
I regret to inform you, that out of anger and romantic passion I stabbed Chloe at the news she never loved me. She was killed instantly. I hope with Chloe out of the way, we can admit our sexual need for each other.
Love,
Caitlin
P.S. Remember the second time in the bush of daises.
Dear Jess,
Luckily for me, I am very skilled in heart surgery and managed to repair myself as soon as I was stabbed.
With <3,
Chloe
P.S. Last night was amazing in the museum! See you at 7!
Dear Jessica and Chloe,
I have come to the conclusion that I will never be with either of you. It has always been this way, but I was too in love with you to see it. I have moved to a remote island full of sex, where I have no time to remember you. I have wild sex all the time, but I still think of you. I remember the time in the lake, under Priber's desk, out in public, on the toxic chemicals, and in the purple moss. I hope you will be happy, even though I will never be complete.
SO LONG LOVERS,
Caitlin
Dear Caitlin,
How the hell did you find this sex-filled island? I want one too.
-Michael
DEAR DIARY,
My love life has been strange and confusing, but I have decided to leave Caitlin behind and stay with Chloe. Loser lovers, though she is in denial. I will always remember Caitlin.
<3,
Jess
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Ha... I took all these tests truthfully and got different answers all the time for each test. Nyeh.
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